I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to turn shit into gold. I have a list of snappy essay ideas, but I have no snap today. The letters on the screen are swimming because I’m teary again. Yes, I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for all of us, the country, the earth, the human race. I feel really sorry. If this sounds stupid to you, just remember a time that you had a nightmare that didn’t make sense but terrified you anyway. You don’t even have to agree on the premise of fear to acknowledge that the fear itself is real.
But yes, I feel sorry for myself. I feel like my life is gone. Not only do I have to be a bigger person now than I was before, but all I really see happening is us going down swinging. If we’re lucky, our integrity will be intact. If we’re lucky, we won’t have to make too many impossible, heart-breaking choices before we meet our personal ends. I am trying to write my way to something more hopeful.
I had positive plans today to get out and connect with people and talk about what we’re going to do. I’m even wearing a reasonably good outfit right now. My plans fell apart because of bad planning and my car not starting. So now it’s just a long lonely day with me and the internet. I’m waiting for Triple A, but it might be a couple hours still before they come. I feel trapped in my messy apartment as the daylight wanes. I finally turned some music on and got away from the internet. It’s one of the KEXP running podcasts. It’s upbeat in the rhythmic sense but not in the optimistic sense. It is helping somewhat.
I wish I could escape this into something else. I can’t find any breaks or distractions that work. I wish I were a self-centered person who lived in the woods and I could just ignore it all and live my life. I know there’s a responsibility to enjoy life. I don’t know how to do that yet but I’m taking small steps toward being ok with other people enjoying their lives. I still can’t imagine posting anything on Facebook that isn’t about the new administration and what’s going on with that. But now when other people post random things I am able to say “That looks fun!’ or “Beautiful picture of you.” Because I’m sad and I just want to be nice.
I’ve always been a hermit, but since the election I crave company and connection. I think that’s why I’m so upset today. I was alone all day yesterday too, home from work. Work is its own problem, with every task a puzzle I can’t focus on, and comfortable, normalizing banter grinding me down.
I wanted to write something that would be strong and true, and lift readers up. I wanted to even make people laugh. I try to be good at making fun of myself. Even when I’m sitting around crying, I try to make a joke out of it. I always wanted them to say at my funeral, “She could always laugh at herself and she didn’t mind if you canceled plans.”
Yesterday I talked to my mom on the phone and she said, “I keep thinking someone is coming to save us, but nobody is.” I had a doctor’s appointment and he said, “We just have to hope that Seattle protects us for as long as possible.”
So I don’t know how to turn shit into gold today. It felt good typing this out, so thanks for indulging me. I’ll try to be a bigger person tomorrow. Now I’ll get up and clean the apartment a little. I just realized that I forgot to drink any coffee today, so I’ll do that. We’ll see how that goes.